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Christmas 2023: An Honest Review

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Well, here we are. Our first Christmas without Hyrum. A time-intensive gift kept me busy enough not to think about it for the first two weeks of December, but I sure do feel it now. I’m usually so joyful, grateful, jazzed for the activities we do at Christmas time. We’ve still done all the Christmas things, but day by day that heavy feeling grew inside of me… “I just don’t want a Christmas if my Hyrum isn’t here.” Why bother with gifts if what I want is just… my son? And all the season’s magic, all the parties and the lights are trying hard to trick me. I’m the only sad one, right? All my other friends are happy, frosting cookies, hanging colored lights… I know that isn’t really true. But it’s taken a good cry and some solid journaling and a good scripture study to give me back perspective, and the courage to just let this Christmas holiday be sad. Two years ago, the kids and I made a million gingerbread cookies and delivered them with songs and notes at a rest home. We walked there on
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Holiday Happenings & Address Request

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Hello, my dear people! Our primarily selfish purpose for this blog post is to request your addresses for Christmas cards. If you'd like to receive one, please enter your information here!  I wish we were capable of sending personalized thank you cards to all of you who have lifted us in so many different ways, but this generic mailing will have to do.  As for our lil family update, we are amazed at the growth and healing we continue to experience. At this time last year, I was lying awake every night with Caleb, talking about death. Now, it's only 2-3 nights each week that we speak our sadness, missing Hyrum and wondering how long it'll be until we see him again. Hyrum memories are his favorite bedtime stories, and most nights he goes to bed happily, dreaming about race cars and rhinos. He loves school, riding his bike, and playing Go Fish. He's growing into a lot of older-brother tenderness, and genuinely enjoys playing with Emily.  Emily is still the type to tenderly
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On Flashbacks and the Future

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OKAYYY, guys..... I was just reading a journal entry that I wrote in June of 2021. We had just moved to Oklahoma. I exulted in the limitless creative space of this new environment, but I was steeped in a newfound self-awareness that felt sticky, bulky, blue. The mental scene was something like: "Ahhhh... so I HAVE relied solely on my extended family for that..." "Oooohhh... I never noticed that I do that thing to Michael..." "Ummmm... is that REALLY what I think?"  And speaking of how I think? At that point, I still thought that if I just read enough scriptures, my personal flaws would be resolved. If I could just piece together enough inspired verse, I might break the code of how and when and why my weakness wasn't solved yet. I needed to be a gospel machine, dispensing faith and service, running smoothly, knowing all. I saw my marriage much the same, expecting us to be doing things, joint tasking, child-raising, checking off days well done.  And sitt
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4 Months: Am I Happy?

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  Friends,   For a while now, I’ve felt the rumblings of a happening, primed for when I sat to write. But for so long, this writing was a tool to cope with searing pain… I’m tired of that. I’ve stayed away, and cooked and baked instead. What a haven, my bright kitchen, a place to heal and hide, a month or two of respite: quiet, wordless, lived-in time.      Have I told you I once asked God to explain the need for chores? Lol I searched His words for “routine” and “monotony” and “diapers”… I was a young mom then, and feeling lost in all the tiny tasks that filled my every day. Where was the cosmic purpose?! Lol I didn’t find an answer then- I shrugged and washed more clothes. But now?! After an epic struggle with the cosmos every day, small chores restore my tired soul. Cooking and cleaning, work and weeding, they’re the tangible balm for the intangible battles we fight every day. At last, a problem I can solve!! The dishes! The back yard! And so it’s been. I’ve soaked it in. And now, I
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