4 Months: Am I Happy?
Friends,
For a while now, I’ve felt the rumblings of a happening, primed for when I sat to write. But for so long, this writing was a tool to cope with searing pain… I’m tired of that. I’ve stayed away, and cooked and baked instead. What a haven, my bright kitchen, a place to heal and hide, a month or two of respite: quiet, wordless, lived-in time.
Have I told you I once asked God to explain the need for chores? Lol I searched His words for “routine” and “monotony” and “diapers”… I was a young mom then, and feeling lost in all the tiny tasks that filled my every day. Where was the cosmic purpose?! Lol I didn’t find an answer then- I shrugged and washed more clothes. But now?! After an epic struggle with the cosmos every day, small chores restore my tired soul. Cooking and cleaning, work and weeding, they’re the tangible balm for the intangible battles we fight every day. At last, a problem I can solve!! The dishes! The back yard! And so it’s been. I’ve soaked it in. And now, I’m here again.
One of the reasons I’ve resisted writing again is that it requires an audience. Blogging, especially. I write and I imagine you there, reading. Living. Carrying your own burdens. There are so many burdens… And I haven’t been ready to see them again. To try to speak to them… Because inadvertently, we may have become a mascot for injustice, grief, and pain. It is a sacred honor to stand in that corner, but words feel small next to the hurt you bring into this space. But tonight, I guess I just really needed you and me to know that there is living after death and loss. That grief can cede to joy. That miracles in timing, healing, and heaven, are available through covenants, Christ’s best tool for administering His infinite grace.
Remember, Hyrum’s safe now.
He’s not hurting anymore.
The pain I felt at watching him with cancer?
Nevermore.
There’s no more shots. No hair loss.
No more tumor. He can walk.
There’s no more giant hospitals
dividing us. He talks.
I’ll never see him hungry.
Never watch him fight to drink.
Those days are GONE.
They’re GONE. He’s free.
I’m free…
and that’s okay, I think.
For months now, God is showing me
the way this life could go.
“This works when you are hurting.”
“Keep using what you know.”
And many, many moments,
I feel Hyrum in our space.
In memories and feelings,
or a vision of his face.
In butterflies and robins,
Caleb’s gestures, late-night dreams.
Forever, for our family,
is closer than it seems.
And shockingly, I’m happy.
More so than I’ve dared to say.
And Hyrum wants us happy,
so I’ll let it be that way.
Already, I am laughing
like I never did before.
Ironic and irreverent, that
death made me love life more.
It’s not just that I’m healing
or that time has been my friend.
No. Something else is happening
and I cannot pretend
that I am just resilient,
well-supported, or naïve.
I heal, feel joy, have Hyrum near-
because, dear, I believe.
I’m telling you: heaven is real.
I’ve seen it. It is there.
But I could not have touched it
had my soul not been prepared.
The bond I made with heaven
in His temple glimmers now.
It warms and wakes my shadowed soul.
My covenant: that’s how.
I love you friends. Thank you for checking in with me and with Michael.
Always yours,
❤️❤️❤️ This makes my heart sing and brings hope where there is heaviness. I love you so much. ❤️❤️❤️
ReplyDeleteWhat a shiny sunday im having because of you. Thank you for showing me the light and hope i need. Because of you, now i know deep in my soul that i also can walk trough the pain and be brave and be happy!
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy that you guys are doing well and that life has filled it with HAPPINESS!!
ReplyDeleteSo thankful for your family. Happy that you are feeling joy and happiness. With all my love.❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
ReplyDeleteLove you guys ❤️
ReplyDeleteThis is so beautiful 💛
ReplyDeleteAs always another beautiful, raw, honest, and healing blog. Sending you love and hugs from Arizona.
ReplyDeleteThank you Erica ( and Michael) for letting us know your happy thoughts! We are lifted❤️
ReplyDeleteYet again, I am witness to your gift of writing feelings and thoughts in beautiful words!
ReplyDeleteI want to give all of you ginormous hugs! I love all of you so much!
ReplyDeleteYou continue to teach the world. By faith and example we carry our burdens a little lighter because you share. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteHaving your words, thoughts, in sight is so spectacular and such a boost to everyone here. We’re all so happy you are feeling better all round. Hyrum is truly feeling as you are too! Believing heals.
ReplyDeleteLoved this post and poem! Heaven and God are real, and to know that is to feel joy!!!
ReplyDelete