On Flashbacks and the Future

OKAYYY, guys..... I was just reading a journal entry that I wrote in June of 2021. We had just moved to Oklahoma. I exulted in the limitless creative space of this new environment, but I was steeped in a newfound self-awareness that felt sticky, bulky, blue. The mental scene was something like: "Ahhhh... so I HAVE relied solely on my extended family for that..." "Oooohhh... I never noticed that I do that thing to Michael..." "Ummmm... is that REALLY what I think?" 

And speaking of how I think? At that point, I still thought that if I just read enough scriptures, my personal flaws would be resolved. If I could just piece together enough inspired verse, I might break the code of how and when and why my weakness wasn't solved yet. I needed to be a gospel machine, dispensing faith and service, running smoothly, knowing all. I saw my marriage much the same, expecting us to be doing things, joint tasking, child-raising, checking off days well done. 

And sitting here now, reading that? It shook me. I still remember feeling all that pressure, hunger, weight. I thought that was so long ago? Back when I was a teen? No, friends. It was two years. And those two years have been... transformative. Redemptive. So heart-breaking. So... handspun? Two years does NOT add up to all the things I've seen and done. Two years? Could not have done this. Not with just me, pushing on. It's OBVIOUS, God's handiwork. The magic of His son. 

Because now I don't need to be a gospel machine. I just need the gospel. I don't need Michael and our marriage to accomplish things- I just need it to be. I love Michael. I love us. I spend less time trying to find answers and more time finding God. The flaws that so distressed me then have almost left me now, but more importantly, self-awareness ceased to be a revel in my flaws. It's gathering all parts of me and bringing them to God for healing and direction. Call me crazy, but cancer and grief lived to a truer gospel tune somehow feel lighter than transactional worship and an emotional security system based on achievement. 

So, as my friend's inspired text message said today, "Keep going. You can do it." You never know what two years can do.