Revving Up

I feel so much love for all you friends- you've really lifted us this year. It's been three weeks since Hyrum died, and I know many are wondering how we/the kids are doing. Others have asked how to best talk with us or support us going forward. Let's see if I can address those topics concisely?

If you ask me "How are you?" in person, you'll probably hear me say, "You know... we're okay." And I mean that. Often, I'll add "It's all the things!" By which I mean that in these weeks we've experienced a very fluid blend of relief, peace, exhaustion, pain, sadness, anger, joy, and so much more. Emily still asks where Hyrum is, and she talks to him in her dreams. Caleb is sorting through countless mixed memories of Hyrum- their goofy knock-knock jokes, times when Hyrum pushed him away, and Hyrum's sudden disappearance from our physical life. We process with him in scattered 3-minute conversations, with the occasional and unexpected cry. 

Michael, as literally the strongest and most energetic person I know, is revving his engines for real life again. He and I took a quick trip this week- one day in Arches National Park, one day driving our small car back to OK, and one day prepping the house/flying back to UT. That day in our house, he was the most alive I've seen him in a while. We are so ready to go back home. We do have one more stop before then- a quick trip to Disneyland. As crazy as I initially thought that idea was, we're very intentionally stretching our "fun muscles" after a year of stress and sadness. 

This year has felt SO big to me. The things we did, the things we saw, the things we saw God do... It's almost more than I can bear, and still there's even more. The influence of Hyrum, of our travel, of this blog... It didn't stop now that he's dead. That's good! But also... wow. I've wondered if I'm capable of keeping up this life. The traumas of him dying are right there, beneath my skin. I'll still have school and shopping, chores and chalk and movie nights. At any random moment, I may halt and hurt and cry. Last week I sobbed at sausages... the kind that Hyrum once could chew, then only chopped up small, then later hold between his lips. That last month, I'd let him taste them on his tongue, then scoop the pieces out before he choked. I hate those memories.

I guess I'm never safe from pain. Then again, I never was. Slowly, it is sinking in: I cannot let my pain prevent my progress or my authenticity. I can't just rush away from it, (be busy, empty, "fine") nor can I wait for feelings to subside to live again. I will listen for the rhythm of the feelings of the day, then dance my plans accordingly. I CAN live life that way. 

Truthfully, I am a little nervous. A life lived with that much honesty, humility, determination, and emotional wit... What could that kind of life DO? Where might it take me? What else might I see? It shimmers with inviting possibility, but I'm still pretty exhausted from a year in the cosmic boxing ring. For now, I'll keep my nose down and plan dinners, do some laundry, soak in our quiet life, and try to use well this gift of knowledge that our pain has given me- be there for other people the way that all of you have been there for me.

On that note, here are some generic questions if you just want to check in/express love:

• Have you had any stand-out moments recently- joyful or sad?
• How have you felt Hyrum present in your life recently?
• Remember this moment/day/event? Just thinking about you.
• What is something you're thinking about a lot right now?
• What is something cool you've studied or learned recently?
• Have you had any recent coping moments that you're proud of?

Other general tips/requests:

• Catch us up on your life. I've been out of touch and sometimes I'm embarrassed to ask lol
• Ask the things you really want to know and say the things you really want to say. My experience this year is VAST and complex, literally impossible to access completely or in isolation. I NEED you to bring your little chunk and talk about it with me so that I can access that little chunk of mine.
• Just keep being present. I still need people around more than I usually do. Texts, emails, invitations to things, etc. I need the social healing. 
• Hold off (for a little longer) on any big expectations from us, but PLEASE let us contribute and help again. We want to listen to YOU. We want to help with YOUR big thing. We want to feel like we can help and give again.