Cancer, Coping, and the Every-Day Maces

Would you believe it if I told you Hyrum was discharged from the hospital on Thursday?! He was weaned off almost all of his medications, all his vitals had been consistently stable, and each day he showed various small improvements. Previously I imagined that he'd walk out the same way he came in... But that isn't quite the case. Is he walking? No. Is he eating regular meals? No. Is he talking? Yes, some! The hospital staff gave Michael a take home food pump and trained him to give Hyrum his ultra-nutritionally-packed liquid hospital foods. He's hooked to it while he sleeps, and blessed Michael still gets up consistently in the middle of the night to switch out the bag and keep things running.  We've returned to the Ronald McDonald House and spent some really beautiful hours together. The kids played Keepy Uppy together with balloons, just like they used to. We walked the tree-lined trail together and threw autumn leaves in the air. We loaded into the car and visited a ...

Whew!! So many blogs posts in so few days!! Are you done yet with this emotional ride? Out of selfish interest I’m posting this journal entry also. One thing I dislike about this life phase is how extreme my extremes are… Any one of them, taken out of context, misrepresents me and our nuanced life. I just really think that every feeling has its place, (and it’s post lol). More importantly, recognizing my emotional trends is one of the most useful adult skills I’ve attempted to gain. This weekend happens to encapsulate one of my common trends (from even before all this cancer mess). In the past 4 days we’ve covered “Life is Good!!” which often leads to “Wait Why am I so Pissed?” and then “Dang, That’s Really Sad” which will lead me soon to “God is with Me in This Place” , the feel that makes life all good again.  After two days of productive “Grrrrrr” and my big, sad, mind-clearing cry, I am aware enough of what’s going on outside and inside of me to really reach to God. Tonight an...

This morning's journal entry. I share not because I'm still feeling this way, (insert my testimony of the power writing, food, chocolate, and time.) but because I've been asked if I ever get angry. It's a good question. Anger is a fair and understandable reaction to pain, and while my primary emotional reaction to all this is sadness (you've read that here before), I do have other moments as well. Behold:  "Caleb’s slight runny nose started Saturday morning. Barely. Sunday, a little more. Sunday afternoon he wheezed a little bit at dinner. We ate quickly and took him home to his inhaler. One dose of albuterol allowed him to sleep, but he woke up panicking an hour later. Wouldn’t take the albuterol. Kept pushing the inhaler away. At one point I had his torso squeezed between my legs while my hands and arms cradled his face, trying to get the medicine in him. He screamed, struggled, kept it off his face. Frustrated, I called Mike. He came and managed to calm Cale...

This afternoon, Caleb and Emily and I made the 1 hour drive to the beach. I almost didn’t go, but somehow we found ourselves driving up a mountain through the Redwood forest, winding between vineyards and pastures, and eventually back down again to golden grass meadows and a magically misty coast line. I have two things to say.   Good job, me. Way to pack snacks and grab jackets and just get in the dirty van to go do something! Who’s to say I can’t indulge my inner adventure mom even if that’s slightly beyond my library-trip norm? I LOVE the beach. Whenever capable, I’ve gotta keep doing the good life things even if the feeling isn’t initially there. Just gotta do it. The EARTH. Have you SEEN that thing?! How do I have the privilege of even living on this planet?! Holy California moly. I punched the address and then followed my car navigation route blindly, until suddenly I was in the mountains when I wanted to go to the beach?! ...