Baby Mace #4!

Here's a little more detail surrounding our next baby Mace. We're so happy to share news and chat about anything written here on the blog, but I do want to acknowledge that just because I'm happy to talk about this does not mean that pregnancy, fertility, or family planning is a topic that everyone wants to discuss. Some of my favorite people have mourned their unexpected fertility journey, and it's a topic for extra gentleness, careful conversations, and no assumptions.

Having another child around this time was always in our plans. Cancer was not. Obviously, cancer has changed many of our plans, and we revisited this specific plan sometime in the month after Hyrum's diagnosis. "Is now still a good time to have another baby?" "How could I possibly handle this AND being pregnant?" "What if the baby comes before Hyrum goes? What if it comes after?" 

About a year ago, I was settling into bed after a long day at home. In my mind, I started counting heads: 1. Emily, asleep. 2. Caleb, finally settled down. 3. Hyrum, asleep the instant he laid down. 4. Michael, finishing up a task in the office before coming down to sleep. And... 5. Another...? Who is that...? All of the sudden, there was another little person that belonged to us, needing to be counted. Another little head. 

I was not pregnant at this point. Some of my theological context, however: I believe that just like our souls continue to exist after death, we also existed BEFORE birth. God created, crafted and raised our spirits/souls/personalities like a Father would. The difference was this: He had a physical body and a perfect character, and we were still young, intangible souls. God loved us and wanted to share His eternal knowledge and power with us, so the idea of Earth, birth, life, death, etc. was presented to us.  Some of God's spirit children opted out, but each of us chose to come to Earth, with the purpose of finding God, binding ourselves to Him through covenants, and receiving His immediate and eventual eternal joy. Jesus Christ makes this possible in countless ways. 

My experience that day with little not-yet-conceived soul #5 was undeniable, and I knew that there was another spirit meant to join our family.  That said...  I wasn't ready. Not at all. We were new in OKC, Emily was still young, and Michael and I were each experiencing rapid personal growth (see also: late nights, frustrating discussions, totally new lifestyle away from family, and the exhaustion of intentional change) I also didn't want to have another baby in the winter. Caleb almost died because of a small winter virus.

I talked with Michael, prayed a lot, and eventually felt this peaceful impression: I would know, based on the needs of our family, when it was a good time to welcome our new little person. God wasn't rushing us- He was trusting us with knowledge and our own decision-making abilities. We set an approximate timeline and waited for that time to roll around. Then... Hyrum's vomiting and vision loss. The whirlwind weeks that followed. Terminal cancer. Eventually, we came back around to our discussion about baby #4. 

And inexplicably, moving forward felt like the most peaceful thing we could possibly do. "Why should one loss in our family prevent us from hope, healing, progress and joy? We believe that families reach well beyond the grave. We believe in godly change, and we trust that there is a way for our family to grow beyond the darkness of these difficult months." Hyrum rests his hand on my belly every day with the same expression of light and love that he did for his other siblings. Physically, this pregnancy has even been easier than my others. Oh, and Michael finally gets his moment: we're going to wait until delivery to find out the gender of the baby. We're excited to see what February brings!