My Son Is In Surgery. Here Are My Thoughts.

Hyrum and Michael are in Tulsa (2 hours away from home), receiving care from the best neurosurgeon in the state. They're removing a tiny portion of his tumor so they can determine whether it hosts a specific protein, one that drives the majority of DIPG tumors. They're also inserting a port into his skull- one that connects with a ventricle of his brain and will allow for infusions at Stanford. They've been there since yesterday morning and will remain until tomorrow afternoon. I'm at home with our younger kids. Phone calls, house selling/renting stuff, laundry, swimming, painting, playing with hippos. The usual... but the house feels quiet without our other two.

This morning, I thought about my college days. I rushed. I planned. I played and joyed genuinely, but always tentatively, because wasn't there something else I should've been doing? "Gotta keep my mental channels open to the details I'm surely forgetting..." The constant thinking, straining for unnoticed tasks- I think it was how I tried to reconcile with the unknown. Life was so unknown then... And that's uncomfortable. 

Today holds plenty of unknown as well. Brain surgery is inherently risky. Today though, I'm not running any scenarios. I'm not agonizing over what might be. My thoughts are still. Some thinking, obviously: what to do with that piece of furniture when we leave, what to serve for lunch, has Hyrum been wheeled in yet, I hope Michael doesn't feel too alone, maybe we can visit the local rest home in the afternoon... 

Somewhere in the last 8 years, I learned that overthinking isn't a solution to tomorrow's needs or today's discomfort. Slowly phasing those thoughts out of my life left empty space that was suddenly filled with...*gasp*... feelings. I've obviously always had them, but I didn't give them space. They weren't worth my time. The more I've observed them, however, the more I see that engaging with my sadness, worry, fear, loss helps me genuinely connect with people. Helps me connect with God. Helps me live WITHOUT fear, worry, sadness. Instead of using hypothetical scenarios/endless tasks to distract myself from the uncomfortable now, I can do this ONE, terrifyingly real moment. 

Today is SAD, because my boy got wheeled alone down a long white hallway. Because he is on an operating table instead of out swimming through a summer bliss like every 5-year-old deserves. Because the needs of our family require temporary separation. Because Michael has to sit in the hospital alone. It's just really sad. 

Today is also CALM, because I'm choosing not to carry the burden of "What If". Because we have so many good people helping us. Because I can feel people praying. Because my kids are keeping me busy with the home life that I love. Because we made the right choice to address today's needs. Because I have a companion and helper in the Holy Ghost. Today is also... just a day. 

Again, I'm indulging myself in an unsolicited opinion, but I just think it's worth it to keep growing into a better version of yourself. Attempting self-improvement by myself was always overwhelming at best, but when I tried it with Him (aka repentance, ya'll the "too-often-viewed-as-punishment-but-is-really-just-heaven-supported-self-improvement"), God always helped me do it one tiny step at a time. Thank GOODNESS, because College Me would have buckled under the weight of today. 

There's 15 minutes left in his surgery... Updates soon.