The Real Disneyland

Our whirlwind travel/party month is coming to a close. WHEW!! What a blessing to have those trips and those memories provided for us. Today was Hyrum's end-of-rest-period MRI, and he did so well. Despite medications that should have left him lethargic and grumpy all day, he had a miraculously happy, normal day today. Tomorrow, we talk with our brain team about the results of the MRI and continue our ongoing discussion about Hyrum's potential clinical trial. Who knew that would take SO much WORK to figure that out?! Plans have changed several times and I'm realizing how many variables apply here. Personal prayers help me regain peace about it, but there are persistent parts of me that just want a plan NOW! 

It's one of the gut-deep realizations that I've had many times, in various forms: the things I want most are always partly out of my control. Healthy body. Safe and peaceful home. Safe, happy, healthy family. There's so much involved there that I don't get to choose. I cried about it with Michael again on Sunday, because these normal, at-home days? The ones where Hyrum eats leftovers for breakfast and Caleb always wants to watch a movie and Emily wears her all-day mischievous grin, and we somehow end up playing robots or karaoke pirate ship and dancing to my Juanes Latin radio station... These normal days? These are MY Disneyland. 

But as much as I want to just have NORMAL summer days with my kids, I never know how Hyrum will wake each day. Or if? This is true, regardless of his cancer. It is true for Caleb, Emily, Michael, all of us. Am I willing to accept this as a mortal condition? How will I orient myself to this truth? Will I grasp at control or refocus on where my power truly lies? When the chaos of the human condition hurts me, will I ignore my hurts, thereby giving them permanent residence in my life? Or will I mourn loss, draw upon the divine, and allow hurt a season that cedes to joy? 

There is no one to teach us this, give us these answers... But there is a God who can live them with us. Carrying these, and other questions, every day and trying to live out my answers... It is the messiest thing I can imagine. Granted, it helps if I make the mental battle more physical: writing my thoughts, praying out loud, singing songs that speak to me, discussing with a friend, taking a nap or eating food to see which worries disappear, even drawing out certain ideas with Crayola marker lol

But the truth is that it's just messy. 

So just do me this one favor. (Well, two, I guess. First, indulge my preachy moment. Second...) Don't waste time believing in a Disneyland reality that features no pain, fatigue, or discomfort. Life after toddlers, or with a better wardrobe, a different president, a better job, or a different partner. I am grasping so hard just to keep the little, messy life we have... And the real possibility of losing it has made it very clear that THIS life, and these NORMAL days (exactly the ones you're living right now)- they are the real Disneyland. It's an all-inclusive, package deal experience: meltdowns, magic, and mundane moments. Let it be enough. With God, it is.