Hyrum's Opinions About Brain Tumors

Along with the medical updates and too many of my emotional rambles, we've been collecting a growing number of statements from Hyrum himself. In addition to sharing what is happening TO him, I think it's equally important for us to share HIM. Here is my attempt. 

It's normal for kids to have their little hobbies and curiosities: Bluey, raptors, etc. but Hyrum has never been much into things. Ever since he was little, I've summarized him by calling him "a little caretaker", the natural-born brother. He thrives on teaching his siblings, fetching their shoes, and feeding them yogurt. 

In addition, he has always been a deep thinker, a reader, a quick learner, and a deep believer. His heart is naturally obedient and good, and he drives himself intensely to make good choices. He has called his tumor and vomiting "the worst", and one day said to me quietly, "The tumor is taking away my choices." All I could say was *something like*, "You're right. It is taking away some of your choices and that's hard. But you can still choose what you wear. You choose what you eat. You choose your toy at radiation. You choose to listen to doctors and Mom and Dad. You choose what happens inside of you. You are still making SO many good choices."

It's one of the few real conversations I've had with him since his diagnosis. While my interactions are mostly limited to quesadillas and Disney+, Michael has full permission from Hyrum to talk about all the hard things - and they have. They've discussed his diagnosis in detail, and Hyrum knows that this tumor will take his life. They've talked about heaven and Hyrum's current fear of death. He's not ready. They've shared countless memories and a couple hard cries.

His initial hospital thoughts were, "God sees the love in my heart and wants to take me to heaven." and "When I see Abraham and Nephi (an ancient prophet from the Americas, referenced in the Book of Mormon), I’ll tell them I’ll be their eternal helper." Since then, he's said "I wish I could be an angel because they stay up in heaven with Jesus, and I want to stay up in heaven with Jesus. But first I have to ask." We know that when his spirit is settled, he'll ask. He'll be readily welcomed there. 

We were falling asleep together one nap time, and he suddenly turned to me and said, "Hey Mom, want to know what piece of a song is stuck in my head?" Then in his little voice started singing "We will... we will... rock you!" Not quite what I expected... Turns out my "I only listen to Queen" phase from last year was not lost on him. We laughed so hard!!

He's told me "I really like going to radiation." and he's said to his brother, "Caleb, I wish you could come to radiation with me so you could see the outdoor recess." It was a little heartbreaking - the reminder that children are pure enough to turn anything into an outdoor recess, but that the cancer center fountain garden is all he's had to work with lately. I wish he was back at school playing raptors and monkey bars.

This past Sunday, he made it all the way through our 60-minute sacrament meeting. There's a portion where bread and water are passed to all the congregants, a reminder of the promises we've made to follow Him. (Including baptism and additional promises that we make in our temples, like the one in Washington DC that's currently open to the public.) Hyrum snuggled up against Dad and said calmly, "I remember when Jesus suffered for us." 

It was a poignant reminder for me. It's important for me to sort my emotions, my hurt, my life. One of the best ways to do that, though, is to focus on Him more than I focus on me. After all, God is on my team. He wants me to heal, wants me to offer the best that I have to my children and associates. I misunderstood God for a long time, but I know now that He's not waiting for me to sort my mess before I bring it to Him. Bringing Him into my mess through hot-tear prayers and quiet pondering is the best way I've ever found to heal. 

Hyrum learned that 15 years earlier than I did. Last month, after we listened to a global prophetic broadcast, I asked our kids what they learned or felt while they listened. Hyrum, who pains himself over every wrong choice he makes, said "The Holy Ghost told me that I don't have to be right." "Wow. So it's enough to just try your best?" "Yeah." He's been markedly different since that day. 

I feel a sense of relief SO deep in my gut that we've taught truth to Hyrum BEFORE now. Little kids are little, and they don't always hear much when we read scripture together, and they DEFINITELY don't hold still at church or for prayer. But through the guidance of the Holy Ghost and the enabling power of a Savior, it was enough. He is using that truth now, every day.